back

holy balls
i slept 3 hours last night on a plane
got in this morning and had to go straight to work
now ive been at work for like 6 hours
this is horrible
i feel like throwing up
body hurts
eyes are so dry
need sleep
i dont eat cheese wiz

at work

get to work at 9:06am
check blogs and myspace
zone out for like 20 minutes
look at bike stuff
then at around 10am i start actually working
check budgets and spend for yesterday
make sure yahoo is spending the right amount of money
and getting the most money for what they spend
pretty easy stuff
the idea is once you find out what keyword bring in the most money you spend more on them
so tweak some bids looking at past account performance
yep its almost the end of the quarter so theres pressure to spend the exact targets

i cant concentrate on anything
heart beats fast
palms get sweaty
hands shake
mind racing

this weekend did some christmas shopping for the girl
yep ill wait to post what i got her so it wont spoil the surprise
but i think that i did pretty good
the only thing is i did it kinda late and it wont get there until after christmas >_<
well thats what i get for waiting
but seriously
i spend all week working
and i usually wake up at 5pm on the weekends and am too tired
i hibernate on the weekends
its true

Cowboy Bebop

starting watching anime again
because
well i watch a lot of scrubs because i stay home a lot now
you know the deal
not doing drugs
i dont have much energy anymore
and my body aches
not too bad anymore
you know how when you have the flu
and your body just aches and is really sensitive to cold
thats what i feel like all the time
not that bad
but just enough to be really annoying
anyway
so i watch scrubs online and the website was down so i was looking at other stuff to watch in the anime section when i found cowboy bebop
let me tell you
i used to be all about cowboy bebop
it is a very good show
never tacky anime plots
constantly interesting and undeniably badass


people have said i look like spike, the protagonist in cowboy bebop, i dont really see it; it must be the green hair. he smokes lucky strike filters

i think this show is the reason i started smoking cigarettes

good reason
great reason

~music
girl talk is kinda cool
the champagne of mash up djs
also,
"Heartbeats" by The Knife
is the jam

i can breathe again

thats right
my lugubrious, seemingly interminable, malady has started to die
my stuffy nose
has been replaced with an, equally adorable yet fully functioning, nose & nostril combo

im feeling a lot better these days
i stopped crying all the time
i have my own place
i have a rock-hard six pack
im not addicted to pain killers
i have money
i have love
i have friends

going to sleep

just got off the phone with her
laying in bed
toes are cold
my futon is quite lonely right now
tonight im going to dream of shibuya
oyasuminasai

sunday

waiting for her to call
sitting on futon
wearing a 90 dollar t shirt
i used to think i was cool for buying stuff like that
now i think it makes me a little bit lame
i saw cocaine today
i have never liked cocaine
it was always pretty annoying and uncomfortable for me
but i saw some today
and my brain just felt like it was being dragged across rocks or something
i wanted not to be sober
more than anything
but
i stepped outside
thought about the summer
thought about where i could be next year
thought about how i have to be strong to have the things that i really want
and everything was okay
everything was good
its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes

im not a self righteous guy
im just a soulful dude

keep going,
atmosh

short thoughts before work

at my desk
brushed my teeth
took my pills
smoked a cigarette, parliament light 100
thinking about where i want to be
she has ensnared my feelings and intoxicated my mind all over again
i had no idea what i was in for
it breaks me sometimes
but i wouldnt have it
any
other
way



more at lunch,
atmosh

watched a movie last night

was feeling pretty damn sad
and nauseous
unrelated anxiety attack afterward
but yes
i watched a movie last night
it was called
the velvet underground under review

interesting if you like the velvet underground
probably very very boring if you dont
anyway
heroin
is stuck in my head
the velvet underground give me the feeling
the feeling that pavement gives me
the feeling that i want to yell cry explodeinarelativelyunviolentway i want to be nothing because nothing matters except what im thinking about and the little things that i care about are the only pieces of the everything are substantial

I have made the big decision
Im gonna try to nullify my life
cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the droppers neck
When Im closing in on death
And you cant help me not, you guys
And all you sweet girls with all your sweet silly talk
You can all go take a walk
And I guess that I just dont know
And I guess that I just dont know




i know which way i want
my perfect world isnt fair

the thanksgiving i needed

microwave pizzas
nintendo ds
and a lot of bad tv shows
i cant and i cant not
im still broken & sick
but i think i might be getting much better
hopefully it's soon


at work now
got in 16 minutes late
but is was all good because i walked in at exactly the same time as my boss's boss's boss
he is a cool guy
i just made an international presentation for coca-cola a week ago
i didnt think i could do it as well as i did
i had a lot of help with it but i was still working 13 hour days for a little bit
anyway
im glad that coke thing is over


im in love with someone that i cant have
& im pretty sure that someone loves me too
pretty sure


i have two quarters two nickles & one solitary dime
bandaids
old cans of coke
three mini samurai swords & matching mini samurai sword rack
r2d2 and a lego joker
all on top da desk, boo

it was everything i was hoping for but now that its gone its not what i expected